We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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