Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
