im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
