i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
