the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
