I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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