I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize
