I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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