I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
