I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
We have started to decorate penises.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
