What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
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