I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
