Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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