right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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