dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
