please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It was like giving head to a cactus.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
