The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
