the condom got lost in my hair
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
