Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
She even gives head with a lisp.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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