sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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