I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
