I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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