I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
