it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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