I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
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