I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
