I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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