I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
