If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
