Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
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