are you still at the devil's house?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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