i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
