He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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