I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
