Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I looked at my own cervix.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
