Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
