Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I can't put those talents on a resume
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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