Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
