Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
