I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize