i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize