elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
