Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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