is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Still dying that you shit outside
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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