you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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