Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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