Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
