Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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