when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
