we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
