The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize