i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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