as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
