M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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