my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
