I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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