Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
