can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
