I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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