Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
