She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
