I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
