i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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