Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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