oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize